Drifting Apart
In couples counseling, people often wonder, “Why have we drifted apart?” It’s usually the small things. Marital issues tend to arise because of a lack of attention. It’s not uncommon for two people to fall into a routine, get complacent, and take their relationship for granted. Modern relationships are complicated, schedules are busy, and life gets in the way. Without effort, many couples find their relationship filled with irritation, defensiveness, and disagreements. These simple exercises can help increase your closeness as a couple!
Closeness Exercises
- Eye contact. When couples first meet, there is a lot more eye contact. Try this exercise, you might even notice a spark! Once a day, make an effort to make eye contact with the other person. If you really want to challenge yourselves, set a timer. See if you can make eye contact for 1 minute, it’s harder than you think. Talk about it!
- Touch. For this exercise, focus on non-sexual intimacy. Hold hands. Hug, hug for a bit longer. Sit a little closer to each other on the couch. Snuggle. A brief neck rub. Rest your hand on your partner’s knee. Agree ahead of time that this is not foreplay. This is a warm, non-verbal statement “I am glad you are here.”
- Ask a question. Instead of saying “that’s nice”, find out more information. Ask for more details. You think you already know the answer, but you’d be surprised. Take an interest in what the other person likes to do, even if it’s not your favorite activity. Relationships often suffer because we are assuming. If you’re annoyed, instead of assuming the worst, ask a question.
- Be silly. Life can be serious. Lighten up! Choose to find a little humor in things. If you drop a glass of water on the floor – laugh at yourself. Laugh at your dog. Laugh along with your kids. Sing a song or do a dance while you are doing chores. Play a game for half an hour. If you’ve been too serious, sometimes being the “happy couple” takes practice.
- Gratitude. Sometimes we get stuck only communicating about what is wrong. We forget about the good stuff! Take time to appreciate each other. A thank you for a small task goes a long way. We all need a little pat on the back now and then. Notice when they are doing something that you aren’t good at. Remind them that it is good to see them at the end of the day.
- Be thoughtful. Resentment often builds because we think they don’t pay attention to our needs. Think about you know they need and see if you can give that without them having to ask. Speak more softly. Shut the door more quietly. Pick up your shoes. Send a text message to say hi while at work. Buy those expensive blueberries you know they like. Thoughtful gestures
- Share something. Whether you are struggling with avoidance or conflict, we often stop sharing. Talk a little more about something you are interested in. I often refer to this as the “10% rule” – say ten percent more. Give a little more detail. Add how you felt about something today. Add the “why” about a concern you have. Talk about plans for the future, or a dream you have. Sharing tells the other person that they are still important.
- Flirt! When couples first meet, they flirt a lot more. Be playful. Use a pet name for each other. Make a comment on how good they look. Raise your eyebrows. Give “that look” from across the room. Smile that smile you haven’t used in a while. A tasteful, suggestive comment here and there. Allow yourself to have fun, remind yourselves that you aren’t just cohabitating.
When you Need Help
Please note – you might try some of these ideas and there is still distance and tension. Conflict might still erupt, because of serious relationship problems. These activities can backfire if you are just sweeping old hurtful issues under the rug. If that’s the case, then Couples Therapy can help. I’ve helped hundreds of couples work through painful issues, Call Today!
